When Do You Start Pushing Back?

Today I feel like a failure as a mom. I got up, I got M ready for her Psychiatrists appointment, I went to the appointment, I waited an hour to see the doctor. Then, I took M to get a happy meal, all while I carried around that beautiful prescription that was supposed to fix all our behavioral needs. We came home, waiting for the counselor to come, dealt with fit after fit with M because her routine was off today, so of course she’s testy. I went to drop off the prescription while she was seeing her counselor, but I decided not to wait because I wanted to make sure I was back by the time she was done and not make the afternoon worse because her routine would be even further off track. I fixed dinner, I wrote an article and then an hour before bedtime I drove the five minutes to pick up the medicine with M in tow. I walk up to the counter and I can immediately tell that something is amiss as soon as the nice tech brought back the paper in her hand with a grim smile on her face. What? Our claim has been denied due to M’s age and do I have additional insurance to cover the cost? I’m heartbroken. Crestfallen. This magical little pill was supposed to make my life easier, allow me to have more free time, allow M to have focus and be able to go to school without having an Independent Education Plan.

I’ll start again tomorrow. Make calls to the doctors office and the insurance company to try to get our daughter the help she needs. But for now, I’m still trying to fight back tears of disappointment that relief is still one day further. I just need some alone time to sort my thoughts. Maybe tomorrow will bring the positive thoughts, but tonight I just want to wallow in self pity and have thoughts about how horrible of a mom I am because I can’t wait to give my kid the pill that will help reel in her behavior. I’ll start again tomorrow because maybe it will be a better day.

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